Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Letters from a deranged mind, or my take on last year's election (Part 2 - Hillary Clinton)

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(This post is an excerpt from my book, Laughing All the Way to the White House. It's a crazy look at the presidential candidates, penned by an inmate locked away in a fictional insane asylum. Coincidentally, he has the same name as mine.)

Dear Hillary:

So, I read an article that said you hadn't driven a car since 1996.

I know this may sound petty, but—that does make it seem as if you’re out of touch with the typical guy or gal on the street. I mean everyone else in America either has to drive their car, or hop the bus, or train to get to work. We have to make car payments, pay for repairs, and did I mention—gas! It’s relatively cheap now, but where were you when everyone else was paying $4.00 per gallon? Oh! That’s right; you were being chauffeured around in a limousine escorted by secret service agents, and flying around the world on a private jet, or on Air Force One.

It doesn’t seem fair.

When was the last time you cooked your own meal, scrubbed a toilet, or picked up dog shit in the backyard?

Far be it from me to question your lifestyle, but how can you represent America, if you don’t know what it’s like to be an American?

Just saying—with all this coddling it’s very likely you’ve lost touch with reality.

If you want to earn my vote, get a customer service job for six months. If you don’t wind up in a mental institution, you’ve got my vote.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary:

I don’t normally take time out to review books (let alone read them), but your most recent tome, Hard Choices, was so annoying I can’t keep from expressing my disgust—no disdain. Reading your book literally stole ten hours from my life. If I’m really lucky, I didn’t contract cancer, eye disease, or some other strange malady from reading that worthless piece of shit.

I can’t help but think even one mention of a lesbian encounter, nude pillow fight, anything from your early school days—would have turned the whole mess around.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary:

May I be the first to congratulate you? You are smarter than most Republicans give you credit for. Your email fiasco has provided an amazing foil to draw voter attention away from the real issues.

Whose idea was it anyway that a woman could, or should be elected president? Back in the day—women, like children, were expected to be seen, and not heard.

Obviously, you’ve forgotten your place. No wonder Bill had to turn to that fat whore for comfort. You certainly weren’t any help in the bedroom or the Oral Office.

You know my thoughts about your email server brew ha—it’s just a clever ruse so you can put off confronting the real issues, and continue to blame the Republicans for your being a crazy ass bitch.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary:

I think Donald Trump nailed it in this Tweet he posted about you on 4/16/2015. “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?”

The Donald makes a good point.

If you can’t satisfy one man, how can you possibly expect to please a nation made up of 320 million whiney bastards?

It’s something to think about, isn’t it?

Your friend,


Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary:

Just wondering, have you changed your stance on stay-at-home moms since 1992? You may have forgotten this quote, but the internet never forgets.

“I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life.”

The implication, of course, is that stay-at-home moms are throwing their lives away taking care of the family. Is that what you meant? Or, is this one of those gaffes that come back to bite you in the ass a dozen years later?

Didn’t that one almost cost Bill the election back in 1992?

Who can say what it’s going to cost you in 2016?

But it’s nothing compared to what you said about your husband, Bill.

“If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.”

Does this imply he’s lazy? Or, that you’re an abusive spouse? Perhaps Bill’s a little kinky, and enjoys a bit of ass play?

So, many questions. So, few answers.

Maybe this one will be easier for you to explain away.

“I have to confess it’s crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian.”

Hmm?

Does that imply all Republicans should be condemned to hell? Or, maybe they’re a sub-species of Christians, somewhat lower than man on the evolutionary scale?

Don’t blame me. I’m doing my best to sort these things out, the same as every other thinking American.

Just remember, these are your words, not mine.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary:

I think Mark Twain said it best, “Politicians are like diapers, they need to be changed often, and for the same reason.”

I don’t want to say you’re full of shit, or that we can’t trust you, but there's a foul smell in the air around here.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary,

Just when I thought I’d seen it all, I ran across your most recent sponsored post on Facebook—“Win dinner with President Bill Clinton. Enter now.”

I’m a curious guy. I clicked the link and got directed to a promotion sponsored by the Hillary Victory Fund. The fine print says one lucky winner will receive “round-trip airfare from anywhere in the fifty U S States, DC, or Puerto Rico to a debate location, and one-night hotel accommodation (approximate retail value of prize $1900).”

Most politicians sponsor $100, $500, or $1000 per plate dinners to raise funds for their campaigns. You are trying to entice potential voters to win a free dinner with your husband—not yourself. I don’t get it.

But, I guess that’s why you’re the candidate, not me.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Hillary:

All presidents and all candidates have their problems with the press. Many years ago, Lyndon B. Johnson was in the same boat as you are today, and this is what he had to say about his experience with the press.

If one morning I walked across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President can’t swim.”

In your case, had you run your emails through government servers the news media would have reported: “Woman needs help with her email.” My thought is that politics is a no-win proposition. You do the best you can, ignore criticism, and smile politely when praised.

Most members of the press are like a pack of mad dogs. They would chew off their own foot or arm to get a first-rate scoop. It’s the nature of the beast.

Just keep thinking. Any publicity is good publicity. It may not always be true, but you will sure feel a hell of a lot better about the whole mess.

Your friend,


Nick


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This is an excerpt from my book, Laughing All The Way To The White House.