Monday, February 6, 2017

Letters from a deranged mind, or my take on last year's election (Part 1 - Donald Trump)

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(This post is an excerpt from my book, Laughing All the Way to the White House. It's a crazy look at the presidential candidates, penned by an inmate locked away in a fictional insane asylum. Coincidentally, he has the same name as mine.)

Dear Mr. Trump:

Just wanted to let you know, I haven’t laughed so hard since watching the Watergate hearings on TV in the early seventies. It’s about time we had a candidate who’s not afraid to speak his mind.

Building a wall along the Mexican border sounds a little out there, but it should put hundreds of thousands of Americans back to work, not to mention—it has all the makings of a great archaeological dig two thousand years into the future. Unless of course, the apes actually take over—then all bets are off.

What amazes me is your lack of creativity. You’ve overlooked a major selling point for the wall. Let me toss this idea out there, and see what you think.

What if we sold naming rights?

The Mexicans are footing the bill for the entire project—right? If that’s the case naming rights are a no brainer. It’s one hundred percent pure profit. When you need more money, you just raise the rates or offer another sponsorship.

Cities and Sports teams do this all the time with stadiums. As a businessman, I think you, if anyone, should recognize the moneymaking potential of selling naming rights. You could do it by city—state—region—the sky is the limit.

And, have you ever thought of offering inscribed bricks or paving stones?

People buy bricks all the time for waterfront and downtown revitalization projects. Why wouldn’t they want to be part of a wall that encompasses the entire Mexican / American border?

Not only is it a patriotic move. It could be a major step forward in revitalizing the American economy.

Dare I suggest, anyone who doesn’t buy a brick should be booted south of the wall? Why settle for just deporting the Mexicans, when you can eliminate cheap ass bastards, welfare dregs, and other scum who refuse to pay their fair share.

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Mr. Trump:

Sorry I couldn’t wait for your response before dashing off this new missive. The demons are dancing around in my head, and I can’t take a chance they’ll run off with my newest idea.

You’re going to Luv this!

What if we impose a welfare tax? I don’t know if you’re aware of this, or not, but there are over 46.5 million people on the food stamp rolls. How does that old saying go: “Give a man fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for life.”

My take on that saying is, “Give someone a free ride, and they’ll never get off the gravy train. Show them what it’s like to work and pay taxes, and they’ll stop taking, and start fighting to get everyone else off welfare so they can stop them from spending their hard-earned money.”

It’s just common sense.

Speaking of taxes, I can’t believe every time the Democrats think about lowering taxes it comes down to taking more from the rich and giving more tax breaks to the poor. Don’t they understand—the rich invest their money, which in turn helps to grow the economy, so we have more jobs and opportunities. The poor just throw their money away, spending it on food, medical care, rent, and other useless doodads and knickknacks that don’t do anything to stimulate the economy.

I hope I’m not out of line when I suggest you eliminate all corporate taxes, inheritance taxes, and other hindrances Congress has placed on the rich.

Anyway, you know better than me what’s best for the economy. Let’s take care of these useless leeches once and for all.

Your friend,

Nick


. . . . .


Dear Mr. Trump:

I think we all know the real problem here.

Most of your fellow Republicans are only too happy to dance around the issues and leave the real menace unnamed. As a businessman, I’m sure you understand no good can come from that.

This problem needs to be addressed—NOW!

The best presidential candidate of all time, other than yourself, and perhaps Richard Nixon (there was never anything “tricky” about him) said the only way to solve this country’s problems is to “send all the Negroes back to Africa, and all the whites back to Europe, and start over.”

The man who said that was, of course, Pat Paulsen, and he lost all seven runs he made for the White House.

Go figure!

Anywho, here’s my idea. What if we send all the Democrats off to hell, or wherever it is they came from, and all the Mexicans back to Mexico, and then we can start over?

I can picture it now. One party united to push all of your great ideas through Congress.

It would be amazing!

Your friend,

Nick
. . . . .

Dear Mr. Trump:

This is my fourth letter with no response from you. What the fuck is up with that? I’m pouring my heart out, and nothing. Not a word.

I’m not one to call people out, but—what worthless piece of shit doesn’t take time out to respond to his constituents, especially when they’re doing their best to promote your cause.

On the off chance, you somehow missed my last few letters I’m going to give you one last opportunity to write back before I begin to weigh my options. Marco Rubio is looking better all the time. You know what he thinks about that wall idea of yours.

As you may remember, my first idea was to monetize the wall around Mexico by selling naming rights. It’s just good business, and you are Mr. Business. Right?

After that, I suggested you should implement a welfare tax. You and I both know one of the reasons these people spend so much time on welfare is they’ve never experienced the pleasure of paying taxes and making a contribution to society. You know the old saying—give someone a free ride, and they will never get off the gravy train. Show them what it’s like to be a functioning member of society, and they will bitch about politics forever. 

It’s the American way.

My final idea was inspired by that perennial presidential candidate Pat Paulsen. His suggestion for fixing the country was to “send all the Negroes back to Africa, and all the whites back to Europe, and start over.” Should you win maybe, we can tweak that idea a wee-bit, and send all the Democrats off to hell. The way I see it, that should make it a lot easier to ramrod your agenda through Congress.

Anyway, I’m going to leave things where they stand for now. If I hear back from you by Friday the 13th—all is forgiven, and I’ll share my ideas on your plans to nuke the Middle East and appropriate all of their oil fields. If I don’t hear back—well, I may throw my sympathies to Rubio, or that worthless douchebag—Hillary Clinton.

Just remember—my vote is in your hands. And, the way I vote, others are sure to follow. I’m sure I can safely promise half the votes from my institution (that is, if we are on our best behavior and if we are allowed out that day).

Your friend,

Nick


. . . . .


Dear Mr. Trump:

Your recent letter came as a pleasant surprise.

Thanks for your concern. I am one of the lucky ones who escaped the lobotomy juggernaut of the eighties, although my fingers do still tingle now and again. A remnant of electrical shock therapy, no doubt. Thankfully energy costs are too high for any more of that shit. (Guess that’s one thing I can thank the Democrats for.)

I’m quite pleased to hear you agree with my suggestions for ridding this country of the Democratic menace. These monsters have had their way for entirely too long.

What’s up with those bastards anyway?

Obamacare my ass! It’s just another way to pick a rich guy’s pocket. If Democrats want to steal from the rich and give to the poor, send them off to Sherwood Forest, where they can join forces with Robin Hood, and his merry band of hoodlums.

PS: I totally agree with your recent ads here in Iowa. “Ben Carson is a complete and total loser.” And, you’re right about Rubio, and his problem with credit cards. I can’t believe he had the nerve to bring up your unfortunate run of bad luck and those four previous bankruptcies of yours. It’s so obvious the circumstances are different. You may want to extend that wall to Cuba.

My nurse insists it’s time for therapy so I guess that’s all for today. I’ll get back to you soon with my plans for nuking the Middle East. I know you’re going to love them. For now, just think—Nagasaki squared.

Your friend,

Nick


. . . . .


Dear Mr. Trump:

I must say your campaign pledge to nuke those terrorist bastards in the Middle East is reassuring. It’s about time we take a hard line stance against those sons-of-bitches.

My thought has always been that Obama is nothing but an Al-Qaeda tool.

What makes these Arabs think they can hold the world hostage, and force us to pay artificially high prices for fuel? Just because the oil is located under their soil doesn’t mean they own it. I mean, really—you might as well say someone can own the air we breathe or the water we drink.

To think any one nation can own a resource so essential to modern life?

It’s insane. No. I’ll tell you what it is; it’s un-American. We’ll show them, after we bomb the hell out of them, and snatch control of their oil fields.

Your friend,

Nick


. . . . .


Dear Mr. Trump:

I can’t help wondering what it is that would motivate a man like yourself to run for president. It can’t be the money. Four hundred grand has to be chump change to someone like yourself. Is it the power trip that goes along with the position? Or, maybe it’s another bucket list item you hope to cross off?

I don’t know, but I’m sure you have your reasons.

My friend, Mike, says most politicians have a particularly small dipstick, and that’s what drives them into politics. If that’s the case, I know the guys here at the home would have a good laugh over it. No matter, I guess someone with as much money as you could afford to have a team working on that problem 24 / 7.

And speaking of teenie weenies, what do you think about Ted Cruz?

This guy’s got dickless wonder written all over him. He’s Cuban-American but doesn’t appear Hispanic. He’s compared the fight against Obamacare to the emergence of the Nazi’s in pre-World War II Europe. And, he’s aligned himself with Sarah Palin’s Tea Party.

Cruz thinks “Hillary Clinton embodies the corruption of Washington.” He is sure President Obama is “abusing our patience,” and at the same time, he insists that “on issue after issue, the Obama Administration has openly ignored, defied, and unilaterally tried to change the law.”

Strangely enough, Cruz is a fan of JEB Bush and Mitt Romney.

I guess, politics does indeed make strange bedfellows.

Your friend,

Nick


. . . . .


Dear Mr. Trump:

Just finished reading your new book, Crippled America.

Is that really what you think?

One statement that took me by surprise was your comment that America is “like a third world country.”

Your suggestions to fix it, similar to many of the comments about your book, are too simplistic. Yes. Our infrastructure is dangerously outdated. Our bridges are dilapidated and collapsing under the burden of too much traffic. You’re right; our roads are full of potholes, and not only is our public transport system overcrowded and unreliable, but it's also scary. Have you checked out any of the people who ride the bus?

That’s your introduction. No solutions, just a laundry list of problems.

Chapter one begins by proclaiming, “America needs to start winning again.” You criticize the Obama administration for making concessions, rather than drawing a line in the sand, and standing tall. And, then you go on to say, if you “ran [your] business that way, [you’d] fire yourself.”

That’s all fine and dandy, but where are your solutions. It’s easy to criticize, answers take deep thought, and compromise. Something I don’t see in this book.

If you want my advice, I’d go back to the drawing board. Pick five simple problems, and concentrate your mental energy there.

Scribble the problems you choose to solve across your blackboard. Like I said, keep it simple. One, or two words, is enough.

Food
Shelter/homelessness
Lack of money
Lack of self-respect
Don’t care

Now if you want to validate that list, take a walk down Main Street, America. It doesn’t matter what city you pick. They’re all the same. Take a ride on the bus or the subway.

Want to know the first thing you’re going to discover? Immigrants aren’t the problem. They’re just like everyone else. They want to find good jobs, provide for their families, and claim their share of the American dream. Jobs aren’t the problem, either. There are plenty of jobs available. The problem is those kids, and homeless vets you see on the street don’t have the technical knowledge, or personal communications skills to staff them.

And, that old lady digging through the dumpster for food. She’s not crazy; she’s hungry.

It’s not rocket science. It’s common sense. If people are hungry, feed them. If people don’t have skills to do the job, train them.

Don’t blame the Democrats or the Republicans. Man up, and solve the problem.

Sorry to be so real here, but it’s something that has to be said. There’s a whole other world out there other than what you’re used to seeing in the Trump Towers.

Spend an hour a day walking the streets, and you’ll have a better idea what it’s like to be an American.

Your friend,

Nick

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This is an excerpt from my book, Laughing All The Way To The White House.